I received a letter a few weeks ago with a heartbreaking story of two women in a deep love that was tarnished with bigotry and rape. These women then faced the horror of disease because of the rape and then took the journey towards death. At the end of the letter this women asked me, “does the pain get easier… will I recover… will I ever move on….?”
Today is the anniversary of her death, as I do not have experience loosing someone this close to me, I wanted to send a letter, as well as ask you to please share your story. Not your story of pain, loss or sorrow, but your story of how you came out of that, how you learned to forgive yourself, and the other person, how you grew and what you learned.
The letter I would like to share is a letter from the guru Ram Dass. He wrote this to a family who had just lost their daughter, Rachael, through rape and murder. He helped them find the grace in what they and Rachael had experienced, I hope it brings you a bit of piece as well.
From Ram Dass:
Rachel finished her brief work on earth and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts as the fragile threads of faith are dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teachings as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and spacious peace amidst the screaming trumpet of their rage, grief, horror, and desolation.
I cannot assuage your pain with any words… nor should I. For your pain is Rachel’s legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. You may emerge from this ordeal more dead than alive for something within you dies when you bare the unbearable. And it is only in that dark night of the soul that you’ll prepare to see as God sees and to love as God loves.
Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel and thank her for being with you these few years and encourage her to go on with her work, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.
In my heart I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet, you will in a flash know what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was. Your rational minds can never understand what has happened, but your hearts, if you can keep them open to God, will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which included her manner of death. Now her soul is free and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the whims of changing time and space.
In that deep love, include me too.
So much love,
Ram Dass
You and your family are in my prayers.
Much love,
Erin
I encourage you to share your stories, but please share only how you moved back into light and hope and love again, I want this to be uplifting and positive, it is not a place to share your stories of loss. If you have a story of loss that you wish to share please email it to me at erin@erinkellygirl.com rather then post it here.
Love and gratitude,
Erin
Many years ago I lost the most important person in my life at that time – my aunt. I was in my late teens when she died, and I was devastated. I miss her even today, but I know the gifts that she gave me in her time and love stay with me always. I know that I am still connected to her, because of my OWN capacity for kindness and independence and strength. These were the things that she gave me and taught me in the time we were together in life, just by being who she was. And I know that I would be a lesser person if she had not been in my life. I used to see her with my eyes and hear her with my ears, but now I FEEL her with my heart and in my living of my own life. That is our connection now.
Hello everyone,
We all have experienced different kinds of “death” so to speak–but the loss of someone we love sometimes feels like your entire “being” is shattered. You feel like you can love no more or move forward or even breathe. But you can! I do not have the words to convey how sorry I am for the loss of that woman’s partner. She is in my thoughts and prayers.
I share the following quote in the hopes that it may help in a very small way provide her and others some words of support and encouragement in her healing. It helped me when I lost a dear friend to a tragic accident.
“We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Marcel Proust
When we hurt, we may look for distractions—go here, run there, keep your mind occupied until there is nowhere else to run. Whatever the distraction—it will take what it takes to bring you to your knees to allow you to experience whatever it is that you may be avoiding. Turn over your pain and hurt and sorrow to HIM. HE will help you to “never forget” but to endure and take a breath to get up the next day and get through that day and each day after.
My fellow women, allow yourself to feel the pain, the sorrow, the grief. Allowing yourself to feel it will provide the beginning of the “freedom” not to avoid the hurt or forget it, but that as a human being, you must feel so that one day you will feel alive again. Take the time to be with your your family, your friends, your support system. Do not worry about anything other than what is most important to you. You need to allow yourself the time to feel all that you are feeling and will feel for some time to come…and that is okay……
I want you to be okay, not fine yet, but just okay for now. You will be fine later. Today you let yourself feel everything and remember to remember “her”, always. If you need anything ask those around you for help and support, even if it’s just letting you cry on their shoulder or reminiscing about the wondrous things about your partner. It is in loving someone that we are loved back and you will move forward, but on your time and when you are ready…there is no calendar or time clock.
With all of my heart and soul I am very sorry for what you have endured.
Lots of love,
Dana
When I lost my Dad a friend said that the memories that were so painful then would one day become treasures to take out and smile over. She was right. If I have a dilemma I take out one of those treasures and know what he would have done, what he would advise and even after several years feel comforted by him.
Thank you……In Loving Memory of…..Kaely…
time heals…so the saying goes. But truly it is your living that heals.
I guess it does really…Initially, a day feels like eternity. Feeling like you are inbetween something.
You never forget, or want to forget, or should forget.
You learn to live without her but you never stop whispering to her asking what she would do.
Then one day you wake up and know it is time to take her picture down.
Time to move your memories under your bed, or into a cupboard. But never to forget.
You have changed, both after she passed away and when you sense you are ready to move on.
Life doesn’t get easier, just different I guess.
Sometimes amazing, sometimes in great pain.
Situations, or comments can trigger a memory, a feeling, a sense.
Now I smile, now I take notice and see things clearly. Now I truly understand what being loved is.
It has been three years since Claudia took her life.
I celebrate her birthday and the day she died as both days of her release and freedom, not of sorrow.
We will all react to losing a loved one differently. Though we have all experienced the same. In time, when you look back at those moments
your own reaction may suprise or even scare you.
However you react, you have no control. Though do not try to control it. Only know that you have truly loved
and that time and living does heal.
Cherish each moment with your loved ones, share how you feel with them no matter how hard it feels.
For they too have lost but have found a way to carry on and you carry on together.
Time passes quickly. Even though they have gone you feel like they are watching you grow. I feel honoured by this.
Remember the good and the bad times you had together and know that what you shared was extraordinatry, true and ever lasting…
Praying and writing helped me a lot. And last but not least “Chicken soup for the soul”, it literally saved my life.
… and then it gets better in the course of time.
His death was the impulse for me to question life in general, such as: Why do we live on earth? Why do we die, suddenly or after long sickness? In search of the answers I learned so much about myself and life. I’m glad about that experience I would have never made without him. He’ll always be in my mind, unforgotten.
Today I live more intensively, health-conscious, just trying to make the most of every day.
I’ve lost two of my best friends. The first I lost over 20 years ago when I was 13 and she was 16; the second, about four years ago. A few months after that a childhood friend committed suicide, compounding the grief. I’ll never forget any of them, or their impact on my life. What helped me get through was knowing that I was still here to do all the things that they couldn’t do; knowing they’d be proud of me in my finest moments or happy just knowing I was happy and enjoying life.
I like what Beth said – that what makes us cry at a time of loss are all the good memories we had of the person who’s gone. Those memories are gems to hold onto, and to take with you into your next relationship, or friendship. The loss of someone close, I think, reminds you to value each moment of life, and to ‘carpe diem’ – to live in the here and now, to make the most of where you are and the people that surround you. Make good times, make more memories. I had the best times of my life with these people – times I’ll never have again – but I look around me and see a lot of other people I value and cherish the unique experiences I create with them.
As Erin mentioned, the hardest thing can be to forgive yourself. The greatest tool of all is time. Sometimes, there’s nothing left to do but muddle through each day, putting one foot in front of the next, until you can begin to see the cracks of light. Find respite in those close to you, who can take you out of the darkness during those hardest days, and let you leave grief for a while. Those leaves of absence will get longer and longer. You will never forget, but you’ll be able to see the full prism of light reflected from the memories you have of the person all over the rest of your life.